Foreboding Joy & Thankfulness
Two times. I had successfully birthed children two times and yet the anxiety of birthing another haunted me throughout my entire pregnancy.
"Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience," Brown says. "And if you cannot tolerate joy, what you do is you start dress rehearsing tragedy." (Brene Brown)
There was the fear of pain, but more the lingering echo of the trauma I experienced with Aiden's birth (my firstborn). See, her placenta didn't detach. So from the most peaceful and smooth birth at home, we headed to the hospital after about three hours of waiting. By the time the doctor pulled (read ripped) the placenta from my abdomen, I had lost enough blood and fluids to be drifting in and out of consciousness. Aiden was perfect, peaceful, had already nursed and was not admitted to the hospital- something I look back on now and for which I am thankful.
All of that to say my heart was anxious.
There are certain people in each of our lives that we can pinpoint as sources of strength or as those that you're certain will speak truth to you. There are three in mine that I constantly turn to when I'm searching for truth in the midst of my emotions: my mom, a woman named Denyelle who has been stable in my life since childhood, and a woman I work for named Brandi- who has taught me how to listen for truth in different ways than I would have thought I could learn. To these three and all the others who prayed throughout that last month- thank you.
Finally in labor, truth became instinct. Instinct reminded me that though pain is eminent, the joy that follows should not be turned into fear or a sense of foreboding. Three hours of labor, three pushes, and out came this little baby covered in vernix and absolutely beautiful.
Naming a child is a privilege parents have to honor a child with throughout the duration of their life.
Aiden Yvette Wesley: "fiery one" and from Irish heritage. A nod to one of the most humble, vulnerable, and generous women I know, my Aunt.
Remington Etienne Wesley: French in origin, the city where my husband was born, and respect given to his family's heritage.
Ivy James Wesley: Classic, the idea of continually climbing, and my dad's middle name- an emotional connection I really wanted to continue.
Empowerment. There are not many other words that adequately describe the feeling following the hardest and most painful moment of birth. Potentially relief that all is well and healthy. By far, the largest emotion is empowerment. It's been almost three weeks since Ivy came to join us, and the connection I feel to her already is incredibly strong.
I often wonder how many factors of a mom's well-being impact her birth and the baby's demeanor. Perhaps I am more relaxed now that I'm thirty, but Ivy rarely cries, nurses like a champ, and loves to cuddle- for these things I am incredibly grateful. I do know that my nutrition throughout pregnancy played a significant role. The supplements I chose to take supported both Ivy and myself. If you need nutritional guidance or support during pregnancy, I offer a meal program specifically designed to support both you and baby (transitional to postpartum). Every pregnancy is different, every body is different, and everyone needs support.
Welcome, Ivy James- Mama is excited to learn who you are.